Feelings of worry and fear eat at my bones as I feel so inadequate and stuck in a society who's check-list boxes I fail to tick, who's order seems to fight my every being forcing me to put on a facade and live a life in which many would think -"most likely to succeed"
But head on my pillow, mask off - Blessing what the hell are you doing with your life? where are you going? are you going to get there?
Heart pounding, tears roll down my brown skin at the dull thought of a life, a life I don't want to live, a life that is not good enough a life that wasn't my dream when my grade 1 teacher asked me "Blessing what are your dreams for the future" this life that makes my stomach turn is the life I see in my future yet it does not have that joy and laughter and smiles that little Blessing dreamt of
Is this all there is to life? fairly not ...
Had I been living every second of my life in a four wall room my only dreams would be to see this ... this that wakes me up in chirping songs, this too that brings the light in the day
But I don't live in a box my dreams are not to see the birds that wake me up and sun that brings the light
My dreams are big, so big they scare me and quite frankly I don't think this conventional way the world is taking will help them come true and quite frankly again I don't like this conventional way
I'm starting to believe that it works for other people but not for others and for those it works for -bless, but for me it ends here, this is where I get off this ship, that to me feels sinking. Yes, maybe I should't, maybe I'm wrong but we both don't know so let me take one for the team, so let me get off my friend and we shall meet again, for we can never be too far off for His Grace to reach us and get put us exactly where we should be. Goodbye
Now head on the pillow, mask off -Blessing, what are you doing with your life? where are you going?
A smile on my face, well, I'm living in the moment, this moment, literally, the next five minutes.
That simple, I'm no longer doing anything that does not make me happy, if I don't want to do it I am not doing it. It is quite a statement but trust me when I say it is well thought out. I'm done doing anything I'm not enjoying in the hope that it secures tomorrow.
Like the birds of the air that fly freely as they sing and the beautiful bright flowers of the field that dance in the rhythm of the wind, I too am free, free of the worry about tomorrow. Like a child's faith in his father for food on his plate and clothes on his back, for toys in his basket, as he gobbles his vegetables with no doubt whatsoever that his next stop is the floating moon as daddy just said
I too have faith in my Father. My Father who created everything there is out of absolute nothingness. My Father who sent His son to give me life and give it "in all it's fullness". My Father who's command created the universe in all it's majesticness with the floating moon of course, and right at the centre of it He created the earth and set everything in motion. Seeing that it was all good and well for my survival and pleasure -He created me, in His own image and breathed life into me
I believe that we were never meant to strive and labour to live a blessed abundant life, I believe our only labouring should be to enter God's rest like the bible says - "labour to enter His rest". I believe God set everything in motion simply for our pleasure and our enjoyment, that from his first command it was all for me it was all created out of love for me to enjoy. In my understanding there was a time that must have been the worst to live in this is the time after Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and before Jesus died on the cross. This time must have been the worst because a man was his own saviour, you had to fend for yourself and it was in your own hands that God saves you and blesses you, it was a time of bondage in my understanding, when people where bound by laws and religion, dos and don'ts. God had said to Adam "In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread", but He sent Jesus down to us to break the curse and set things right again
Now we don't have to 'toil to eat from the ground' anymore the curse has been broken, the ground is ours again, for our pleasure, in obedience to our command.
Matthew 6:25
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe youyou of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I realise that life was never about just surviving, the world has convinced us that it's a dog eat dog world and survival of the fittest kind of world well I'm happy to admit this right now, I'm done with this mask, done pretending that I am when I AM NOT THE FITTEST!!! Not even a little bit, I'm not the smartest, not the quickest, not the brightest, not the most beautiful , not the most poppular, I don't know what on earth I'm doing, you wouldnt be wrong to call me lost, to call me a wanderer, I AM.
I realise that my projection into the life I dream of is in my acceptace and acknowledgement of my weakness and inadequecy, because my faith should never have to be in myself but in Him who is in me, my faith should be in Christ who strenghthens me. In Him, through His Spirit, Holy Spirit my friend who comes bearing gifts I AM THE FITTEST. When I let go of my hope in my self and who I am and my abilities and capabilities, when I call all my credentials rubbish that's when God's power starts working in my life, my holding on to myself is me refusing God's help, that's me saying "I got this Jesus"but I dont 'got it' not even a little bit, I need help and I'm done looking like I know what I'm doing, I'm done sinking in this ship with a smile on my face
So I'm on the fun bus now, I'm not sure where its going, I don't know how this story ends but in this bus I don't have a mask on, in this bus we are all not sure where we are going but we are sure having a good time because we were never meant to know what tommorow holds but only trust God, who's "plans for us are never to hurt us but to give us hope and a future". In this bus we live by faith, leaning not in our own understanding, we live in undeserved favour, we are free like the birds of the air and the flowers of the field. In this bus I can not only see little Blessing's dream come true, in this bus I am living little Blessing's dream, In this bus is heaven, In this bus man is bestfriends with God His Father, in this bus we are living life, the life God gave up His life for, life in all its abundance, not worrying about tommorow, living in the moment, trusting in our Father.
In this bus we are not alone, in this bus we rest, in this bus we let go... Sgetit
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