Deep Cries Out to Deep

Dear Elsie

I havn't written in a while, and I'm not really sure what to write about but I just feel this urge to write so here goes...

So this year... Lol this feels like a great place to start cause I've been silent all year.

This year was a big step for me, I decided as a 24 year old average looking girl with no academic qualifications, meaning chances of getting a good job or a rich husband and are both very slim (lol) to take a year off school and do a church internship programme. Frequently Asked Questions when I say I'm doing this internship incl: 'Does it pay?', 'Is it related to your field of study', 'can you get a job from doing it' -my humble, shy answer is always 'No' lol then they look at me funny. It's a year that you dedicate to serving in the church’. I call us the ‘minions’ lol the 'working bees', it's really that, a year or two that you commit to serving and building the church

It never really seemed like a good idea, it was rather a risk I decided to take, I remember going like "24 is a great age to make mistakes (if it's at all a mistake)". I did the internship because I felt called to serve in the church and my community. I have a dream for my community that people's lives change by knowing Jesus and I felt the internship was a good way to go about achieving that dream . Eight month's into it I can say it's been quite a journey, it was very character building and growing more than anything, I grew in my understanding of the word and my relationship with God has no doubt grown

I went through a season recently where I low-key felt out of love with God...don’t judge me
I was explaining this to my mother recently and I used the analogy of a newlywed couple, or even a new couple; yawl just got together or just got married and going through the ‘honeymoon phase’, this was me I was excited about God, passionate, spreading the news, always excited about spending time with Him; you always checking up, butterflies, young texts during the day like go monate maan... but this phase kinda fades away. That's where my relationship was with God, well, on my side, cause He feels about me how He always has, but on my side it was trying times

Like It's really easy for me to tap into 'worship mode', and start feeling the presense of God, you know, all the mooshy wooshy feelings where you are just undone by His presence. I don't even need music, I get alone with him and start praying, then speak in tongues then...🙌😭🙌🙋👃💦🙌😭...issa mess, undeniably being undone by the presense of God. This said, in this season I was like, ‘And then what? 'I feel like this then what?’ I was uninterested in all the 'mooshy wooshy' feelings, you know, that feeling we refer to as 'the presence of God'

For a while this hurt me, I mean, what did this mean for our relationship? Is it going to be like this forever? Are we done? Is it over? Not only did it hurt, but it was scary, I felt like I was losing God lol I know it sounds crazy cause God never leaves us but I honestly felt so away from God and it was scary cause I mean what even is my life without God's presence, like what does it mean

Back to the Newlyweds...
I always told myself that my honeymoon phase with my future husband (S/O future baby) would never fade, cause I just thought it’s the best thing, but as I was sharing this with my mom she stopped me right there and was like “the phase after the honeymoon phase is actually way better” and she explained that it’s actually where you aren’t necessarily still trying to impress each other so you get to be the most real with each other, you learn each other’s flaws yet choose to stay, you learn to love for who you truly are and aren’t, you learn to love despite
She was right, when the butterflies fly away the newlyweds don’t break up (well they shouldn’t👀). When the honeymoon phase ends it’s time for the next phase, a more authentic, deeper, more intimate relationship

I think we rob ourselves of God’s fullness when we limit Him to the ‘butterflies’ and feelings and goosebumps. I realized that God was calling me deeper, to a deeper level of our relationship

1 Corinthians 2
10 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.12 What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us.

So this is where I currently am in my journey, at a transition to go deeper with God;
It’s uncomfortable, it’s growth, growth is never easy it takes discipline and commitment to mention a few...both of which I need to improve in.
But it's also exciting because my deepest desire is to know God deeper, the more I know God the more I know myself and what on earth I'm doing on this earth, so yeah, I'm happy😊